I was so excited to finally have a blog. A real live blog. A place where I could write and think and type and whatever. You know...blog stuff.
And then...silence.
The truth is I have had a rough couple of weeks. And I didn't want to post something that sounded whiny or depressing. So I decided not to post at all. Yeah, I know that this totally defeats the whole purpose of a self-reflecting blog.
But I was being stubborn.
My Job
So anyway, like I said, it's been rough. You see I work in hematology/oncology and deal with a lot of death and dying.
A LOT.
Most people don't understand why I would work in such a stressful field. I mean medicine is bad enough. Yet, I chose to be a hematology oncology physician assistant, and receive no higher pay than my fellow colleagues who work in much less demanding and less stressful environments.
But, I like it. I really do. Yeah, the whole death/dying scene is tough, but news flash folks, it's a part of life. And the patients are amazing. The diseases are fascinating. And there is this comaraderie in a cancer fighting team that I just cannot explain. These brave souls put their trust and faith in me (and obvs the doc) and yeah, that feels pretty good.
The Yuckie Stuff
And then one of my favorite patients progressed in a big, bad way. I love this patient. I know it's bad to care so much about someone who is a patient and not friend/family member, but I do. After I found out that this person's disease got much more scary, I cried all weeked. Like f'reals cried. (I never cry. Ask my sister. She claims I'm the most insensitive person in the world. She is partially right.)
And then one of my bestest and oldest friend's (from way back in the day) mother passed away from breast cancer. A beautiful, sweet and kind-hearted person who smiled constantly and never rasied her voice. She used to make me cookies and iced tea and so many other treats, and now she was gone.
And then my patient's wife had a sudden, massive heart attack and died unexpectedly in the middle of the night. This happened only two days after she showed up at the office with muffins and a thank you card for me. Her husband called me hysterical the next day. This grown, strong, and quite stoic man was on my phone. Sobbing. Telling me that he just lost his best friend and he didn't know what to do. To say this conversation was heart-wrenching is an understatement.
And Much Less Important But Still Annoying
And now I'm in the middle of student loan crisis. And money is tight. And it's pissing me off and stressing me out. Thanks, Uncle Sam, for owning me until I'm like 60. Seriously wtf.
So yeah, I'm sort of hitting a Pittsburgh road block in terms of the future of my job, because it's related to the loan crisis (long story for another day), and my hubby is at crossroad with his career as well.
So things are all kinds of messed up. And I'm sad and stressed. And I'm not working out, because I'm so busy with this crazy job. And I'm angry that life isn't fair. And I don't understand why some people get so much sadness and why others don't.
A little flicker of Sunshine
And then I had a beautiful moment. I was making some sort of pathetic pastry in the kitchen. Oh wait, no that was a different time. It was soup. Butternut squash soup, and it was damn good. I was singing, and chopping veggies, and thinking about my friend's mom and I was trying to figure out the meaning of this crazy life.
And then, suddenly, I felt very happy. In my little moment, with my Rdio playing in the background.
And then it came to me.
Could it be so simple? Is life really just about moments like these? Feeling alive, being happy, and embracing the time that we have, by enjoying some small moment like this.
And did these student loans really matter? These little stupid pieces of paper were really going to affect my life. Psshhh. I think not. Don't sweat the small stuff, sweety.
Reflections
What it boils down to is I'm not okay with death. It scares me. And working in my field, dealing with it day in and day out, it has affected me.
For both the good and the bad.
Yes, I am more accepting of death. But, I am also much more aware of how fragile life is. And that shit scares me. I am much more cautious than I used to be. I know people say this happens as you age, but my level of caution has dramatically increased since entering this field.
And while it is good to make smart choices, I think I may have missed my own memo. Death is a part of life. And I have to learn to accept this.
Should I tip toe through life and try to avoid it? Or do I embrace life, and let death come when it may?
I'm opting for the latter choice. I'm going to make the most of my happy times. Even if that means singing in the kitchen, lost in a moment, while cooking up one delicious batch of soup.
Shoot. Maybe I'll even start taking a few more chances. Living on the edge and all of that.
Stay tuned...